I know a man and maybe you do too.
He's medium height, really tall, quiet and he won't shut up. He's all about nature and hiking and he feels bored unless he's around the bright lights of the city. He's a sports junky and he was never that much into sports. You get the picture.
AND
He is longing for the care, sensitivity, and devotion of a woman and even more so, a mother. It may be his mother. It may be the mother he never had. It may be his partner.
Because underneath, just below the surface and mostly out of his awareness, he gets scared. REALLY scared. He does not know what is going on around him or inside him. He has no language for this fear and wouldn't dare speak it if he did.
He has so few tools for managing in the world, All he knows is that he was supposed to succeed, be in charge, to protect and provide for his family, and to have relationships with his partner and friends. It was like the only tool available to manage, to help his loved ones, to get along with other men was to puff up, look like he knew what he was doing, and take the heat off of himself. Looking inward, knowing his feelings (much less expressing them), and (God Forbid) having needs was off limits. This leaves him utterly unprepared to manage the complexity of the world we live in and the complexity (and mystery of relationships).
But I digress...Back to men need mothers...Underneath this fragile way of being, he has a tender heart like we all do. It's not like he gets less "overwhelmed" than women do. But he has to hide his overwhelm, to be ready to fight and defend himself. He can't look inside, find his fear and express it to his partner. All she has to offer is to sit with him, be with him in his overwhelm, but it turns out that is enough. But Compassion is too close to Weakness in his dictionary, so he fortifies his defenses--look like you know what you are doing and do not examine how you are doing at all costs. It's a house of cards or a Jenga game when you know that one more log is gonna topple the whole thing.
I have thought so much about being a women at this time in our history--and boy, am I grateful that I am not a man. Women know that feelings spoken out loud become a little more bearable, especially if there is someone listening. Women know how to hold hands when they are scared. Women know their feelings and somewhere inside, know they will always pass. Women pray. Women are intuitive and 'just know'.
But I believe that the only way to shift this is to sit with a man and seek his heart. My activism is one on one, heart to heart. If men have the same need for loving presence that women do (AND THEY DO), their hearts can only be softened in relationship--safe relationship. Ask about their heart and wait for their answer--over and over and over. Know that you have the strength to tolerate discomfort that they do not have. So let them know that you can hold their feelings tenderly and without judgment. Own your super power women. They NEED us so badly right now.
Hearts are only changed one by one, in safety and in relationship. Don't go to the hardest stuff first. Ask him to turn off the TV and sit with him while he goes through withdrawal. Care and be curious about his day to day--and don't take "I'm fine" or "It was good" for an answer. At least for now, share your deepest pains with your girlfriends who can hold tankers full of feelings and your hand at the same time. Don't be his therapist--just listen and make soothing cooing noises and say, "Wow, that sucks".
Men have not been allowed to want their mothers. We haven't been doing a good enough job at holding their pain and their hearts. It's a slow process. What we need is for men to remember they have hearts--and that having a heart is not weakness. Their fear keeps them from knowing that love is the only cure. Love for our family and close friends yes, but also love for everyone--the entire kaboodle. Let's help men live who they really are--humans who are beautiful, emotional, loving beings and who need each other.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
I help individuals discover their True North by offering personalized, spiritually-informed therapy that fosters healing, self-awareness, and access to one's internal wisdom.
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